My Right Foot

Some days I prefer waking up from a nightmare than from a fantasy designed to make me happy. Today was one such day. I barely remember what I was dreaming about, but I remember it involving me having a really good day. I was a better version of myself. I was happy and had friends to hang out with. Everyone was laughing and joking as if nothing bad had ever happened.

Then when the phone rang, I was snapped out of it, and was quite thankful for it. Not only had I overslept, but lately my dreams have been causing me to get out of bed on the wrong foot. I will be perfectly happy when I am sleeping, but when I wake up I realize that the chances of today being a day unlike any other are very slim. Almost immediately, I start to feel almost like I am hung over and I want to crawl back into bed.

While that seems like a cynical thing to say and might seem like I don’t enjoy happiness, nothing could be further from the truth. I love being happy and over the past week I have felt a great deal of satisfaction. My only hope is that my dreams don’t try to create a day that was better than the one I just had.

When I completed my blog about “The Adventures of Pippi Longstocking” over at “Because You Want To...” I felt more confident that I have in a long time. I felt a great deal of satisfaction and was glad to see my writing slowly coming back to the point where I am proud of it again.

That day I started writing the piece was pretty uneventful except for the massive KFC feast we had for dinner in honour of Jeebus and the Easter Bunny. After watching the movie, taking notes, and drawing and outline to write the final product the next day, I went to bed perfectly content. The movie might have stunk, but I was once again thinking clearly enough to craft something linear (even if I admittedly did try to wrap it up pretty quickly since even I thought it was getting a bit long).

I had a great dream that night, too, and damned if I didn’t wake up feeling like crap the next morning. It wasn’t bad as waking up happily on Monday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the cat wanted food. It was a few animated chipmunks away from being a Disney film with the most disgruntled and half asleep character they ever thought up.

Come to think of it, maybe it isn’t my dreams that are troubling me as much these days. In a way, I am kind of disappointed that I don’t seem to be a morning person anymore. I used to be the type of person who no matter how begrudging I was when I woke up, could always function at the drop of a hat.

In the past few weeks, it has been the exact opposite, and I don’t think my daily routine is helping too much. Ever since I had my nervous breakdown about a month ago, I decided to give myself a daily routine to try and psych myself into being motivated. I get up, make the bed, get somewhat dressed before going downstairs to turn on the coffee pot and wash up, do a couple of chores, then grab my coffee, sit at the computer, check some e-mails and take the day from there.

Maybe I am suffering from “Groundhog Day” syndrome. The days just seem so similar that there is no way my dreams could ever hope to compete. In the end reality always wins, and often in a rout. At least on Thursday and Friday I actually have stuff to do. That will hopefully break up the monotony for a little while.

Despite all of those issues, I have been working well throughout the afternoon and I am pleased to say my headache is almost gone. Even though this is something that could have been better written, I just wanted to put it down as a reminder to myself to keep going and to not give up.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something better than I have ever attempted before.