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In the past week I have written my heart out. I have written 118 pages of new material; original stories, essays, one poem, and criticism. I have written query letters and proposals in hopes of earning an advance from an interested publisher or at least getting some work from someone who doesn't accept unsolicited manuscripts. I proofread everything as closely as anything I had ever edited before. I looked at each individual word no matter how slight or necessary that might have been; making sure each punctuation stop sounded the way I wanted it to sound.

I finished the last of it today and sent it all off to my agent to attach cover letters to them and send them on their way.

I cleaned the house over the past to weeks to a point that I haven't seen it in a long time. That was a lot of work in itself.

I have a stack of blog posts in various degrees of completion. Most need quite a lot of work.

I have posted ads on craigslist for work every day to keep them fresh and current, making sure that they don't get lost in the shuffle under the hundreds of other ads that get posted when I don't seem to be looking. I don't know why I still try; I haven't gotten any offers or found any work on there in over a month. It is all I really have right now that even seems to connect me to the outside world other than these blogs. I am almost broke and after my medication session this week, I pretty much will be. That isn't even taking into account that I am probably going to be given prescriptions for more medication I won't readily be able to purchase.

When I finished all that I had been working on this afternoon, the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction was fleeting. I wanted to try to write about how proud I was that I had accomplished a massive to-do list just to see if I still had it in me.

I sat down to work on a blog where I happily recounted what I had done and to work on another entertainment related one that I got bored working on. I sat blankly staring into space and the words just didn't come to me. I proceeded to lay my head on the pillow and cry for two hours without realising how much time had passed.

I wanted so badly to be proud of myself. I want to be the best I can. Sadly, I won't believe I am worth much of anything until I see some results.

I took a long walk. Still nothing.
I took a shower. Nothing.
I am sitting here now and this is the best I could come up with